Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Looking at you, Jesus.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”