Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
And then there were 4
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING