Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
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“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My inexpensive home security system…
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.