People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
TODAY
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH