Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.