[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
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Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.