Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
You Might Also Like
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Previously On Persistence 😎
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s