The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
You Might Also Like
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Yes, but it was never about money
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)