I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”