[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”