Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Usage Guidelines
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Check your privilege
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’ll be mad as hell!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Nothing.