Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
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My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
What number SPF blocks people?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days