*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Come back with a warrant
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.