Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.