GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
is this store having a stroke wtf
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way