I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
You Might Also Like
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…