Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week