*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
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Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.