This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
lmfao
new career option?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?