Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
greetings!
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Kermit goes Blue.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.