Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.