I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
You Might Also Like
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack