My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
hey, alexa
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”