[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
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I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I believe the plural is “milves.”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams