I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
True
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂