My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards