tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
this has to be peak English
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window