My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Weighing up my bread heating options
[eats all your cotton candy]
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.