I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.