Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
You Might Also Like
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
This hospital has everything
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.