I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
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“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.