[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Noted.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”