My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot