The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps