My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Smallpox sounds so adorable
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.