*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant