I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
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Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.