Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.