Hilarious if literal: arms race
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car