Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Sing it!