Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir