He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
How dramatic are you?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.