I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.