*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
You Might Also Like
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies