Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
hey, alexa
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.