My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.