Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’d … I’d rather not.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
San Francisco has too many rules
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.