(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
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“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
🤣🤣
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.