I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Breaking news:
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.