*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.